Moving On...

.. is so much harder than it looks. I mean sure, it looks hard. But it's harder than hard.

You say I'm too afraid to admit that I still love you. I am. And I do.

I'm a coward. You know that. I always take the easy way out. So I tell you I don't love you anymore. I do. I still do.

The past is hard to shake off. Yes, you did mean a lot to me. You still mean a lot to me. Three years does not just get erased, no matter what you say.

We're over but there are times, when I feel like I'm cheating on you, even when I'm not. And then I sink into darkness.

But each time I plummet, deep down, I still feel like what I choese to do was right. Call me selfish, I think I'm selfish. So selfish that I've moved on, that I've started on a journey with someone else. It's true that I don't know where I'm going yet, but you don't have to make me feel bad about the adventure.

You always did know how to push my buttons. To take me on an emotional rollercoaster. You took me to the greatest heights, to the deepest abyss.

Be angry. You have every right to be. But you have no right to question who I choose to see after you. You have no right to call him an ugly SOB, to say that it won't last, to say that eventually I'll go back to you. You have no right to make me feel guilty. Yes, you make me feel guilty.

"You only feel guilty because you know you're doing something you'll regret." Maybe I will. But it's still MY decision. Even if it's a mistake, it will be MY mistake.

You'll always mean a lot to me. Don't push me even further away by what you're doing now.

I'm trying to move on to a new chapter of my life. You should as well. I wish I could help, but whenever I try, you start all over again.

Enough with all the mind games.


xx,
BakerGirl


P.S.
I make you sound like a monster, you're anything but. You're an amazing, wonderful person, I meant what I said when I said I was proud of what you had become.

I do believe that you love me with all your heart. But I will not take something I can't give back in return.